|"Let me give you some advice...."|
I'm not sure that I qualify as a "good" runner, and I'm certain I don't qualify as a "great" runner, but I have learned a few things along the way that may be helpful to other people who are trying to improve their running, or people who qualify as "trotters." Below are some of the tips that I've learned in my "journey" (how cheesy is that?) to become a better runner and thought would be good to pass along.
- Spritz a little perfume on your neck / the inside of your shirt on race day - I know, I know, you don't want to be the doofus dressed for the opera when you're running a race, but trust me, when your pre-race jitters send you to the porta-potties, you'll be thanking me as you pull your shirt up over your nose and get a lovely whiff of [insert your perfume name here] instead of the people before you's business.
- Ladies, panty lines are your friend - Yes, your bum will look super cute and chic in your Lululemon spandex if you ignore me on this one, and lets face it, no matter how stylish your gear, panty lines are not cute. But, when you're in the late miles of a long run, your cheekies will thank me for this one. I learned this lesson the hard way on the NYRR 18 mile Central Park marathon tune-up run, and let me tell you, it was painful. That little, tiny, itty-bitty seam in the wonderfully made Nike tech capris? By the time you start hitting double digits? Consider it a razor blade going to town on your derriere for all intents and purposes, unless, of course, you heed my advice and sucomb to granny panties for these distances.
- Put some toilet paper in a sandwich bag and stash in your shorts pocket on race day - There's a theme here of things you'll be thanking me [or in this case, my dad] for come race day.* Let's just say your stomach stages a rebellion on race day. But, for arguments sake, lets say that it doesn't raise the forces until you're already racing. While we're hypothesizing, lets assume that you're an average runner who's not at the front of the pack. Well, it turns out that they don't actually re-stock the porta-potties mid-race, and well, you might just wind up having your boyfriend running a relay mission between you [at the porta-potty by the reservoir, say] and the un-impressed dude selling soft pretzels at the adjacent park. And if said soft pretzel selling dude isn't feeling generous with his napkins? You may be showing a lot more compassion for baby's with diaper rash by the end of that race. I'm just saying...
- Dress rehearsals aren't just for 3rd grade dance recitals - Not that you haven't heard this before, but don't try anything new on race day. You don't want to be learning that your capris have secret ninja razor blade power that cuts up your ass or that the new banana smoothie recipe in this month's health magazine will cause a mutiny if drank within an hour of your run on race day. You want to find those things out on a shorter run.
- Smile - You're on Candid Camera! - Coach Dad will totally disagree with me on this one; he thinks that if you're smiling and looking good in your race photos that means that you weren't working hard enough. But I'm just saying that you'll be pretty disappointed when that Brightroom email comes and you look like ass in all of your pictures. So smile a little, maybe wear something cute [that could have the bonus of motivating you to perform better], and my friend Sarah highly recommends pigtails.
- Consider some pre-race Pepto - You should NOT take my medical advice or anything and should consult with your physician and all of that, but personally, I have found that my races go much better when I do. Worth considering!
*I know this sounds really haughty and full of myself, but lets face it, I can't give much advice on being a fast or wondeful runner, but I consider myself somewhat of an expert on porta-potty advice.